It Smells Like Teen Spirit (Chapter 7)

 'The Funk'

A stink of high proportion, encountered with or without warning in person's, places or thing's you would never have imagined and takes you by sheer surprise!

My mind was telling me no, but my body wanted to make a quick exit.  I needed to get out of there, I was going to vomit.  Let me take you backwards just a tiny bit.  So I had been rubbing his penis and enjoying the sexual ambiance, everything was going fine, however, what I failed to mention was the little crustations that I was feeling in my palm and on my fingertips with every rub.  Now my lack of experience wasn’t really going to tell me first hand what it was I was feeling and as you can guess I thought nothing of it, figured I’d caught a few stray pubes.  My nose however wasn’t going to lie to me! As I sat waiting for him to return with my chin positioned in my hands, I was surprised to smell…cheese!?  I knew that I never ate cheese and my body lotion smelt like chocolate, why was such a potent smell offending my nostrils.  And then it came to me.

Flash back: Sex education class
Question: What is Smegma?
Answer: a thick, cheese like, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin or around the clitoris.
Reaction: Kill me now!

Back to reality: His house
Question: Why is there Smegma on my hand?
Answer: Because I’ve just been rubbing the dick of a fleabag!
Reaction: Kill me now!

Do we understand why I was ready to run half way across the world to get away from him!?  The only problem was, although I wanted to leave, a part of me wanted to stay.  This must surely be a one off right?  I mean he had foreskin and maybe he had been out all day and maybe he was really sweaty and the cotton from his market boxer shorts had bobbled and that was what I felt!?  Maybe he had eaten cheese on toast and instead of the sweaty cheese smelling residue leaving through the sweat in his facial pores the smell was leaving his body through his penis! The cheese like smell, well that could have been urine residue!  I didn’t know what to think.  Either way I shouldn’t have smelt Parmesan cheese! I knew I could smell this awful smell but I didn’t want it to be true, because if it was true then had I just rubbed the penis of someone who hadn’t washed!?  I even contemplated it being my lady bits, just because I could reassure myself that it was a sheer accident.  If it was me I would know that it was most definitely a one off, but I hadn’t touched myself and I knew damn well I was not going to have no cheddar cheese coming from in between my legs.  I kept fanning my hand in front of my face to make sure I smelt something funky, I certainly did.

I knew he would be back in the room soon, I didn’t have much more time to decide what to do so I began to let my feet take me towards the door, I decided I wasn’t going to tell him about his cheesy penis and that I was going to deal with his confusion about why I escaped later.  So I stood up and crept towards the semi closed living room door, I opened it wider and slinked towards the front door.  Just as I put my hand on the latch I heard him behind me, I froze.  I turned around with a smile on my face, but my movements where stiff and my lips were even stiffer.  I know I must have looked uneasy, but I liked him so much what else could I do but grin? He asked me if I was ok, I nodded and smiled some more, with one of those eyebrows lifted, eyes wide, showing minimal teeth kind of smiles.  I knew if I opened my mouth to speak to him all I would’ve mustered up was, ‘you have a cheesy dick!?’  So as not to embarrass him I just kept smiling.  He stepped towards me and I knew I had no where to go, so I just fidgeted around, hopping from foot to foot, looked around the hallway hoping that maybe a ninja would fly through the glass pane in the front door and fly kick him backwards so I could dive through the hole in the door and run for dear life.  No such luck.  He came right into my space and pulled me towards him and then hugged me.  Suddenly my stiff uninviting body became relaxed.  I completely forgot why I was standing in his hallway and fell into his grasp.  I put my arms around him and felt safe.  My false smile turned into one of comfort.  As we held onto each other his grip became tighter and I snuggled into his body hugging him closer, put my arms over his shoulders and enjoyed his space.

I did however enjoy his space just that little too much, forgot that my hands were stained with the overwhelming smell of cheese and proceeded to hang them in front of my nose.  As I breathed in I gagged and let go stepping back abruptly.  He looked at me puzzled.  That was it I had to go, I just couldn’t stay.  You may wonder why I hadn’t excused myself and gone to the toilet to wash my hands, but in all honesty it just didn’t cross my mind.  I had decided.  Rachel you need to go home!

I looked at him again and reminded myself he was still the person I liked and that ‘The Funk’ was just a misunderstanding of maximum proportion but I would let him sort it out by going to have a bath and me going home to bleach my hands and scrub them with a metal brillo pad!  I knew he was going to smell his fingers once I left, probably had done it already, everyone knows what people do but are just afraid to say it!  But I was under no stress because I knew he was going to smell nothing.  There were absolutely no vapours that could have been coming from my vagina!  I made my excuses, that being I’m sure his mother would be home soon and it was rude if she caught us and it worked, he seemed convinced and willing to let me leave so I started pulling down the latch flashed him a backward glance and a smile, walked to his front gate, closed it and started to walk down the cracked pavement towards home.  As I reached the corner I glanced back one last time in sheer disbelief, did I really just have one of the best evenings with someone who had a cheesy willy?  He wasn’t at the door when I looked back, which was probably a good thing as I would have taken the mental note of what he looked like and knew I was never going to see him again.  Who was I kidding?  Smegma or no Smegma he made my heart jump, I knew that the cheese factor wasn’t going to put me off.

It says a lot about me.  If that had been any one else I would have probably gone to the kitchen to get a ladle and slapped them across the ball bags with it! But him, I just couldn’t.  What kind of person experiences that with someone on their first proper sexual encounter and still contemplates seeing them again.  Either I knew I had fallen, or I really liked cheese!