Still frozen I collected my thoughts and managed to answer back. I knew I was in trouble, my boyfriend never swore at me. Worried about what would happen next I nervously answered,
“What do you mean?” I whispered
“I mean are you trying to take the piss out of me, cant you hear what I’m saying!?” He continued to bark his words at me.
However much I was nervous and thought I was in the wrong I wasn’t a fan of being spoken to like I was some kind of bitch. He had managed to get my back up with two brief questions so now I was completely uninterested in what would happen next. If he knew about The Boy so what, dump me for all I cared, would make it much easier for me. Stomach still in knots I waited for him to blast me about my undercover friendship.
“Don’t swear at me! What exactly are you talking about!?” I now began to bark my answers back at him.
“You’re my girlfriend right? You’re supposed to be there when I need you and all the rest of it, so what exactly does it mean, how am I supposed to feel when, hold on a minute” He paused
The phone went silent, I was put on hold. I was so tense I felt like I was about to shit Lego bricks! How can he put me on hold just as he was about to rip into me about our relationship, I already felt like a school girl being disciplined by her teacher and now to make matters worse I had to wait to be punished. What was in actual fact two minutes felt like twenty. However tedious it felt waiting for him to return to the phone, it gave me time to prepare, I went back into ‘I don’t care’ mode, when he would return to the phone I was going to sound aloof and uninterested so he could just dump me. It made sense, why drag it on? I heard a muffled sound and then a hello, he was back. Before he had a chance to speak I started,
“If you want to break up with me can you hurry up about it I need to go to bed” I demanded.
“Break up with you?!” he said, sounding puzzled “I just wanted to cuss you because we haven’t seen each other for more then five minutes in like four weeks, what’s that about? I miss my girlfriend”
The butterflies in my stomach suddenly turned from little anxious asthma attack butterflies to sad little limp ones. I couldn’t have felt any sadder then I did at that point. I was his girlfriend and I certainly wasn’t acting like it. Too busy entertaining The Boy. I knew I had neglected my duties as a girlfriend and all the ‘I don’t care’ feeling vanished the moment I heard him say ‘I miss my girlfriend’. I did care about my boyfriend and I was his girl, how could I have been so thoughtless. Trouble was I knew that what I was feeling whilst being on the phone to him, in the real world, was classed as ‘feeling sorry for’. I convinced myself otherwise, which is easy to do when faced with a problem head on. I told myself I wasn’t pitying him and that I was genuinely sorry. I was glad he had called me when he did, it made everything easier. Things could now stay exactly the same. All I had to do was see him more and we were sorted. He didn’t know about The Boy and he never mentioned the way I had greeted him when I answered the phone, bonus! I could get to eat all the cake I was clearly trying to. The phone call ended with me being as nice as I could, throwing in a few I miss you’s here and there and telling him I wanted to go over to his house as soon as possible and everything was sorted. Unfortunately for me, I was still yet to learn the power of ‘Pussy persuasion’ my vagina hadn’t even realised it was a kitty cat yet!
‘Pussy Persuasion’
This is when a female learns how to use her vagina as a tool and not just a hole or birth canal. Understanding the power she really has because she possesses that little dark cave of warm goodness. The tool that can enable you to receive anything you want, even without using it.
However, this technique wasn’t known to me then so I simply used the power of ‘I’m sorry’ and that worked just as well.
Months passed by in the same routine, The Boy and I growing ever more closer, with nothing actually happening between us and my boyfriend and I seeing each other intermittently not doing anything physical but hanging out and enjoying each others company. Things were not exactly normal but they were good. The Boy wasn’t going to be eliminated from my life as it was like having a best friend around to lighten the fact that my boyfriend was boring. I used to see my boyfriend, go places with him and go to his house or him come to mine, then have pleasant conversation with The Boy in the evening or when I was in bed. I suppose I could’ve spoken to my boyfriend at those times but I didn’t have call waiting and once The Boy and I were on the phone we wouldn’t end the call until one of us fell asleep. To be honest I never wanted to be off the phone with The Boy so some nights I would miss my boyfriends call on purpose because I knew I could make up for it the next day. Girlfriend perks! Sometimes I would know that a friend was going to call me but I wouldn’t care, I was talking to The Boy and that was all that made me happy. I was under some kind of spell, The Boy had enchanted me. The more this carried on however was the more I was drifting away from being an actual girlfriend. My boyfriend became even grumpier and less interactive everyday. As things got worse in my relationship, it obviously got better in my friendship with The Boy.
My boyfriend became some what obsessive. I think he began to realise the signs I was unintentionally showing him. Sometimes he used to sit outside my house, in his car a few doors away from mine and just wait for me without letting me know he was going to be there. I assume he thought if I was cheating I would bring the guy to my house. Obviously he would never have seen anyone because in reality The Boy and I were having some kind of mediocre cyber friendship or beginning the foundation of a relationship from a distance as we would never actually meet up. There was no one else I was interested in. I would know my boyfriend was outside my house because some evenings or afternoons my mum would come inside and ask me if I was expecting anyone and when I would answer no she would reply ‘well there’s a familiar car outside with your friend in it, been there for a while now!’ I would look outside my window and see him sitting there. Some days he would sit for a while others just a few minutes. This became a turn off. In any other kind of situation it would have been an excuse to go outside, but for me, it was just another reason why The Boy was better for me.
I had a lot of love for my boyfriend as a person but I knew I had never got to the point where I was ever in love with him. Whatever any sceptics say, there is a major difference in ‘loving’ someone and being ‘in love’ with someone and when anyone tries to question me on that, I simply say… “To be in love with someone isn’t something you can control, loving someone sometimes is inevitable, I love my grandma but I’m certainly not in love with her.” That may not make sense to the masses but it makes sense to me, and it explains my point, however vague! I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend intentionally but I knew that my actions and lack of interest were driving him crazy and I knew he felt strongly for me, but the relationship just wasn’t working so it had to end. Eventually after a few more weeks of what felt like torture I bit the bullet and decided to end the relationship. He was ok with it, we stayed good friends. We would still speak on the phone and help each other out whenever it was needed. Things were better when we were just friends. The kissing stopped and as we had never had sex there was never any awkwardness between us. We just chilled as normal friends would. Things took a turn for the better and we used to speak about everything and everyone, he became the person I knew and had liked in the beginning again just this time without any romantic feelings. It was nice, and it solved a lot of our issues. So with things being back to normal again and not masked by my secret friendship everything just seemed that bit easier. We got on better and it made us both happier. At least I thought it did.
In the time it took to end my relationship The Boy and I still hadn’t met up properly. One day in our routine of incessant talking we decided we would meet up. Alone. It wasn’t like it was going to be weird we had spoken for a good few months now and I wasn’t in a relationship anymore so it was definitely the right time. We agreed to walk home together one evening and that we did. It was nothing out of the ordinary, usual talking and laughing and getting on well as I assumed. The only difference to us being on the phone was that unexpectedly, when we were just about to depart to our opposite destinations, he tried to lean in for a kiss and I moved away. He looked a bit embarrassed but still asked me if he could have a kiss and I cheekily told him no as I didn’t know where he’d been, then with a devilish smile and a flick of the hair to summarise my pending departure I walked away. I wasn’t trying to tease him. I genuinely didn’t want to kiss him at that point as I was unsure of what was happening between us. I knew I had already fallen ‘in laugh’ with him and seeing him in person just sealed the deal. When I met up with him that day alone I finally saw him. He was the one. Nothing about him I disliked, his smile was contagious and all the warmth I felt whilst talking to him on the phone all those times had now manifested itself into human form. I never found him overly attractive but I still liked everything about him. I realised being around him made me feel fantastic. For the fact he had tried to kiss me I knew it wasn’t going to be long before we got together. Things weren’t complicated back then, when a girl and boy liked each other they became boyfriend and girlfriend. We started to meet up regularly and he would walk me home most, if not all the time I needed. Sometimes I would walk past my house and walk around the block just so we could spend even longer together. It was perfect. Things were finally going right, The Boy and I were getting to know each other more every day and my ex and I were finally just good friends. The phrase too good to be true could possibly creep into ones mind. I mean what exactly could have gone wrong. Maybe my boyfriend still really liking me could potentially mess up what was turning out to be the best time of my life. Maybe the strong feelings I was getting for The Boy would confuse me and I would run away from what could possibly be the greatest guy for me. I was still young and although I wasn’t a cheater I felt like I had a problem with commitment, I mean I had been faithful to my ex but I wasn’t exactly what you would call committed, even I can be real about that. The feelings I had for The Boy and the way things were going, meant this could be the chance to be in a relationship where we both felt the same for each other.
Did we feel the same though? I hadn’t thought to ask him. I assumed because my ex had liked me a lot that anyone would. How silly of me, what if what I had felt for The Boy I was doing so with the false pretence that he felt the same, what if he didn’t even really like me. How was I going to show him how I felt? We hadn’t even made us official yet. Was there even going to be an us? If I had been able to keep my boyfriend a secret, there must have been untold things I didn’t know about The Boy. I just assumed we were honest with each other, well honest within reason. I started to doubt our friendship, but also started to play with another feeling I hadn’t yet come across. Lust. Now I was officially single my feelings were conflicted. When I thought about The Boy I let my mind wander to forbidden territory. None of the other boys I had let kiss or fondle me I’d really wanted to, I just did it because you did a bit more then kissing, that’s what I thought the title girlfriend involved. The Boy and I meeting up and him asking me for a kiss had stirred something deep inside. I knew I wanted to kiss him, but hadn’t, and I also knew I wanted him to touch me in a more passionate way. Even though I started toying with this forbidden desire, I didn’t want him to just have me. If we liked each other enough I wanted to take it further.
But did we like each other enough?
