Over the weekend, I decided it was going to be wise of me to pretend that I had broken my arm! There was some material at home which looked like it could have been someone’s sling so I took it upon myself to use it as a prop! What would be more of a talking point in person then a broken arm? He wasn’t going to know it was a fake and I was clearly somewhat of an attention seeker or very worried that we may have nothing left to talk about. Tuesday rolled around after a very quick weekend. I could be a bit of a drama queen so it most definitely hadn’t been enough time to fully prepare for the first proper meeting with him. I hadn’t actually told Megan yet that The Boy didn’t fancy her, so her tagging along was an issue I hadn’t even toyed with. I had arranged for myself and a few friends to meet up with The Boy and a few of his friends. Megan, Tina, Leila and I were going to meet at the park and wait for the guys to come. It wasn’t so much of a mutual decision, more so I had told the girls we were going to meet boys and they didn’t object! Luckily back in those days it was fun to meet up with boys so I didn’t have to explain who we were going to see just as long as they didn’t have vaginas everything was fine! We approached the park and from a distance we could make out four boy shapes coming towards us. I knew which one was The Boy immediately as he was by far the tallest figure. As they got nearer, Megan then realised it was The Boy and began to get excited, maybe that was my opportunity to tell her that she should kerb her excitement because it was me he liked, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel bad about it either. When push came to shove all I cared about was me and him. I shyly slinked towards him, fake broken arm in its sling and obviously unable to contain my smiles I squeaked out a hello and the rest was history. We stood talking for ages. It was getting late and all of us should have been home by now so we started walking in the direction of my house. Tina lived nearest to me so our journey would end on my road. Megan and Leila however lived near the park we were in so they departed rather quickly, to the dismay of Megan. She hadn’t been very happy at this little rendezvous, usually she was quite a perky person but that day she had been very subdued, especially towards me. I put it to the back of my mind.
Tina, myself, The Boy and three of his friends then made our way down the road towards my house. We all walked and talked, messing around like you do. Me a little less then the others, as I was nursing a broken arm! We then became separated. The Boy and I distanced ourselves from the others. We let Tina and the others walk in front whilst The Boy and I strolled behind talking. We loved talking. I remember so clearly, even now, how happy he made me feel without doing a single thing. Being with him I was carefree, it really was like talking to a best friend. He found me funny, I found him hilarious. It just felt right. I honestly don’t remember ever feeling as happy as I felt when The Boy and I were in each other’s company. Anything else important in life didn’t seem so important when he was around, not even my boyfriend. When we all reached where Tina would finally turn off and continue on her own, we stood and talked for a little longer, it then came to light that one of The Boys friends lived near Tina so in the end he and she walked off to together. In a jovial mood I continued talking to The Boy and decided I didn’t want to go home. So the rest of us walked back in the same exact direction we had just come from! What else could we do? It was early evening, when the sky was turning from bright to dingy grey/dark blue, just as the street lights would start flickering on one by one and none of us wanted to go home. Walking together his friends flirted with me a little, which was of no interest to me. The only thing I could think about was getting his number. I wasn’t rude or stuck up, so I joined in with the banter. As we continued along the street I sparked up a conversation about how I was going to contact him in future.
“So, if at some point I wanted to call you instead of you calling me, how would I go about that?” I asked
“I guess you’d have to call me” he replied somewhat abruptly
“But I don’t have your phone number”
I then looked up at him with a slight smirk on my face to make it perfectly clear that that was the nearest he was going to get to me actually asking him.
“Oh yeah, of course I should’ve probably realised what you were saying really shouldn’t I!?” We both laughed
“Yes! You should”
He proceeded in giving me his phone number and the deed was finally done. The next hurdle I would have to overcome was actually plucking up the courage to ring him, I hadn’t thought about the fact that being so pushy to get the number meant I would actually have to use it! I couldn’t have the number and not ring him. Figured I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. We had nearly got to the end of the long road we had been walking down and his friends began joking around about the fact that I had just taken his number, each asking me if I was going to be talking to them tonight. Somewhat jarring as I felt like they were trying to issue some kind of status over me to The Boy as I knew them all a long time before I knew him. I couldn’t let that happen, I didn’t want The Boy to think I was some kind of slut, or the local pass around girl. That wouldn’t exactly be good, it was going to be bad enough trying to explain at a later date that I had a boyfriend and how in all the evenings we spoke, being everyday, I missed that somewhat piece of vital information. Lets be serious, we weren’t talking everyday to really stay ‘best friends’. So I should have let him know that I was taken. I didn’t feel taken anymore, not by my partner anyway.
“Excuse you, but I’ll be talking to HIM tonight!” I proclaimed
The shocked look on their faces was priceless. The pleased and content look on his face was brilliant and the overwhelming silence that washed over us all made our smiles seem as though they had been shouting out loud. Now if that wasn’t a move to firmly secure me into his good books, I don’t know what would’ve been! The bus came and we all got on it, as it could drop us off individually at our destinations from a completely different route to the one we had just walked down. It had got very dark outside by now and I didn’t much fancy walking home for the second time that afternoon alone so getting the bus seemed the best option. The other boys got off the bus one by one at their bus stops which left The Boy and I alone, completely alone, for the very first time. I sat close enough to smell him, he smelt like washed clothes and outdoors. I liked that smell! And imagine, the first time we were alone we never uttered a word to each other! His bus stop was approaching, he fixed himself up, pressed the bell and we both smiled and said bye. As I watched him cross the road he signalled to me that he was going to call me, you know with the little finger and thumb extended, the fingers in between bent and putting the whole hand up to your ear, that signal! Imagine that, an opportunity to say anything we wanted to the other and we were both too shy. Homeward bound, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Knowing that night was going to be another of counting the minutes down until nine o’clock I decided to do other things in and around my bedroom as not to seem as desperate as I was! I tidied the bookcase, I picked all of the clothes and books off my bedroom floor I even ironed and prepared my uniform for the next day. Then my mobile rang. I was across the other side of the room. I jumped over the pile of laundry, dived onto my bed, picked up my phone without looking at the screen and answered,
“Hey cutie, miss me already?” I gushed
“Hello!” A stern voice barked back at me
That wasn’t the usual nine o’clock voice.
It was my boyfriend.
It was my boyfriend who I hadn’t seen for about three weeks yet I had just answered the phone asking a question that most definitely didn’t apply to him. My stomach turned. More at the fact that if I had looked at the phone before answering it I wouldn’t have answered. Even more at the fact that this meant The Boy may call and hear the engaged tone. I felt like I had answered the phone to a complete stranger. What was I going to talk to him about? And how was I going to dig myself out of the hole I had just put myself in? Neither of us spoke for at least a minute and I knew I had to make the first attempt at breaking the frosty atmosphere. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Could I explain that I was waiting for another boys call? Could I tell my boyfriend that I had been walking the streets with other boys all late afternoon, early evening and now I was waiting to flirt with my new found ‘like’ interest? I finally managed to choke out a few words,
“You alright yeah?” I tried to make my voice sound as chirpy as I could
“Are you trying to take the fucking piss?” He barked at me
I could feel the little butterflies in my stomach, not like the ones I had felt on every glimpse of The Boy, but the ones where the butterflies feel like they’re having asthma attacks and convulsing in your stomach! The first thing that came to mind was he knew about The Boy and I just sat nervous trying to string together a sentence that could justify my new friend. So much for the matchmaking Megan plan, that completely erased itself from my mind! I may not have been appreciating my relationship anymore, but I still cared and had respect for my boyfriend, I didn’t want to lie to him. If he wanted answers about who The Boy was, I was going to give them to him. I tried to answer back quickly but I couldn’t. There was just muffled silence. Did my guilty reaction tell me that what I was doing was wrong? Or was I most upset at the fact that if my boyfriend and I did have the conversation about The Boy I would possibly have to stop talking to him. Should I break up with him first, would my answer ‘You’re dumped’ be a sufficient enough reply? The answer to his abrupt and angry question was going to be the seal on my future.
What was I meant to say?
Wednesday 14 September 2011
Him (Chapter 4) Pt1
It didn't take long to find out who The Boy was. I did the most obvious thing and eventually asked Bryan who I had been speaking to that evening I got the call. Being so pre-occupied with speaking to The Boy everyday it took me a while to bother ask around about him. When I finally found out who he was, I realised that unknowingly I had now got myself into a slight pickle. My mystery phone call friend was in fact a guy that one of my closest friends had told me about once, who she herself had a crush on. Awkward! So in finding this out, I realised the new avenue I would have to take, which would mean I still get to be the innocent girlfriend I was, and still get to speak to The Boy with no complications. I was going to match make The Boy and my friend Megan, brilliant! Half the job was already taken care of as she liked him, now it was about finding out if he liked her. On my part this was a selfish manoeuvre, if I’m honest, a part of me knew he wasn’t going to like my friend but what was the harm in trying, this way I could still speak to him and if my boyfriend found out about our conversations I could merely say I was trying to find Megan a new love interest. Alls well that ends well! How I was going to put my plan into action however I didn’t quite know but I knew I would eventually think of something.
It became a regular occurrence meeting up with friends in the local area. It was even better for me to do so because those friends also knew him, so on a rare occasion he would also come to the place we would hang out. Surprisingly, we wouldn’t speak in public. I assume it was because we had no real way of explaining how we knew each other well enough to converse as no one had ever verbally introduced us. I had told none of my friends about my phone call stranger, and I can assume he hadn’t told anyone about me either. The only person who knew we had ever spoken that once wasBryan
Before the phone calls, I didn’t know who he was and I honestly didn’t care. I would never have purposely been attracted to someone I knew my friend was, but now, I thought about him all the time, and when I would see him, I thought he was cute. He had a big smile, one of those you see all of the teeth kind of smiles. I liked when we caught eyes because we both knew something no one else did, but we would still have to look away from each other coyly. Unfortunately for me, due to the not so brilliant plan I had concocted, this now had to go on even longer because I had convinced Megan he liked her. More fool me, I now had to listen to Megan talk about The Boy and wonder what was going to happen between them, or listen to her continuously asking me what he had said about her, whilst knowing deep down I hadn’t even mentioned her name to him. This continued on for a fair few weeks. Eventually I knew I would have to tell him about Megan, there was only so long I was going to be able to keep up the facade. She wasn’t silly she would eventually realise that him not speaking to her, nor even looking at her probably meant that he didn’t really like her. I had to tell him though, I needed to find out if he liked her and I needed a reason to stop liking him and unfortunately my boyfriend wasn’t enough to do that. Slowly I could feel myself drawn to The Boy, more so then I was to my boyfriend. If I had any gossip or news the first person I would want to tell was The Boy. It was turning into a very complicated situation. I couldn’t juggle my time evenly between boyfriend, friends, family and The boy so unfortunately the person who became neglected was indeed my boyfriend.
One evening, after driving past The Boy on the bus and watching him leave his school grounds I decided that I wasn’t going to wait to catch a secret glimpse of him whilst standing not so secretly in front of everyone! I decided to get on the adjoining bus I would take to go home and wait for his call. Today was going to be the day I would ask him if he liked Megan. Today was going to be the day that I possibly lose out on my secret phone call guy. For the fact I was upset at the thought of him saying yes he did like Megan, proved that I was in deeper then I thought. I too had feelings for The Boy. Did this mean I was a cheater? I waited anxiously for the time to speed by and reach nine o’clock so I could get it over and done with as this time had now become our regular talking slot. I practised how I was going to ask him and tell him that she fancied him. After a few attempts I decided to go with, ‘you know my friend Megan yeah well she likes you init just thought I’d tell you so like if you liked her back then I could sort it out’. Yes that is how I sounded back then! I figured that was the most effective approach, get straight to the point, I don’t care, please say you don’t like her back way of putting it! How could I get hurt if I sound like I don’t care? You know that same misconception we all stick to even now whilst being grown ups! The one we’ve proved time and time again is in fact bullshit but it’s like a security blanket, if we don’t have that ‘I don’t care’ attitude then we’ll just get hurt! And who wants to admit that!? Who wants to be the person to stand up and say to the masses ‘I have been hurt and it made me sad’ Nobody. It was nearing ten o’clock and he still hadn’t called, I was losing my courage and getting tired. I couldn’t call him because he forever called me from his mother’s phone and would withhold the number, so as luck would have it, I couldn’t actually contact him first. As I started to fall asleep, I heard the phone ring. Unfortunately I had forgotten everything I had planned to say and when I did finally string some words together they came out like word vomit, everything I had needed to say was said, all just very fast and in completely the wrong context! Major fail!
“Mmmhm” I mumbled
“Hello, Rachel?”
“Uh huh I’m here, you ok?”
I was in a tired daze, so I had to search for the words I was actually speaking.
“What you doing?” He asked
“My friend likes you do you like her? She likes you she told me so now I'm telling you coz she likes you”
“Wow ok. What’s your friend’s name?” He inquired.
“Oh erm Megan, yeah its Megan she’s liked you for a while, so I said I’d talk to you for her and I’m in bed, you said what am I doing I didn’t answer so I’m answering now, I’m in bed not asleep but in bed”
“Erm ok that was kind of fast” He chuckled.
I however was holding my head in sheer embarrassment. What the hell did I just say to him!? Then I felt the funny feeling in my stomach, of disappointment and a bit of sadness. Still maintaining a smile, I continued listening to him talk on the phone. He was asking her name, and in my head that translated to, he was interested. I couldn’t complain, my plan was working exactly how it should have, I didn’t think about what I was going to feel if he actually did say he liked her. My over confidence had expected him to dismiss it and that way I couldn’t be seen as the bad guy. I wasn’t happy with him enquiring into her name. Disheartened but quickly forced into thinking about my boyfriend I wanted to round up the conversation so I could at least mourn The Boy alone, secretly so that nobody would find out about my hidden feelings. We had been silent on the phone for almost ten minutes and then he said it,
“But, I like you though”
I was speechless, however much I may have wanted to hear those words and however much it had made me smile. I knew deep down it was going to mess everything up. I hadn’t even told The Boy I had a boyfriend, let alone what that piece of info was going to do to Megan. A situation isn’t a situation until things get said and you can’t pretend anymore! Things had been said! There was just silence through the phone, what the hell was I meant to say back to that?! Anything else said would just complicate things further, so I stopped smiling, came back to reality and knew it was time to end the conversation. However the butterflies continued in my stomach so I merely replied,
“Well, my friend likes you so it would be out of order for me to like you really; I think we can be good friends though, like best friends?”
I asked it in that way where you elevate your voice at the end of the sentence so the other person knows it's a question rather then a statement.
"Yeah best friend’s is cool but I still don't like your friend!"
He sounded serious but I laughed it off and said ok. I figured that was his way of telling me to never talk about Megan again! My lips were sealed, no more Megan! R.I.P Megan! Somewhat delighted over the revelation that The Boy didn’t fancy Megan and fancied me, completely forgetting about my then boyfriend, I sent The Boy a text message when we eventually hung up.
I like you to! Xx
I got an immediate response;
Ok, but this is my mum’s phone! X
How embarrassing!
Imagine that, you store a number that had clearly been shown to you one day by accident, you lose your senses for a minute to be cute and then you get brought right back down to reality. Shame!
I wasn’t going to waste anymore of our time. I needed to get his number. I had to plan how I was going to approach him. His towering frame made me nervous. He was quite slim but not skinny, sort of reminded me of a refrigerator, rectangular and long. He was much taller then me. The thought of looking up at him and squeaking out 'Can I have your number please?' seemed like an impossible feat. He was one of the tallest people I knew at that time. He was about six foot, caramel in complexion with thick lips and a nose that was not too big but not too small for the size of his head. His head was rather large but every thing about him was in proportion, he didn’t exactly look like The Elephant Man! His eyes were dark brown, almost black which enabled you to remember his stare. Or, he stared at me so much there was no way I was ever going to forget his stare! I liked his eyes. They made him look as happy as his smile did, his big smile, he had the biggest smile I had ever seen. So I appreciated it just that little bit more. Looking at him, although from afar just made me happy. So I decided to use that happiness to insist on us meeting up and finally be in a close enough proximity to ask for his number. Was I now directly acting upon the inappropriate feelings I had for The Boy? Would this mean that I would now be instigating a little more then before, giving him an indirect sign that I may want it to go further? Again what my boyfriend may have felt, if he knew, just never arose in my mind. I just didn’t care. It never even dawned on me that at any point my boyfriend could find out. A few more evenings passed with The Boys phone call coming through at the usual time and talking until we fell asleep. One evening I had plucked up enough courage to ask him to meet up after school like I had planned to, not alone but with a few friends and he agreed. Our conversation took place on a Friday evening giving me enough time to prepare to see him on the Tuesday…
It became a regular occurrence meeting up with friends in the local area. It was even better for me to do so because those friends also knew him, so on a rare occasion he would also come to the place we would hang out. Surprisingly, we wouldn’t speak in public. I assume it was because we had no real way of explaining how we knew each other well enough to converse as no one had ever verbally introduced us. I had told none of my friends about my phone call stranger, and I can assume he hadn’t told anyone about me either. The only person who knew we had ever spoken that once was
‘The Trap’
A guy you don’t notice at first glance, you don’t find anything about him very special. He isn’t ugly to you, neither is he someone your instantly attracted to. However, once you speak to him, he has that certain something that captures you, which then turns into a whole lot of confusion because you like him when you shouldn’t and you just can’t shake that feeling.
One evening, after driving past The Boy on the bus and watching him leave his school grounds I decided that I wasn’t going to wait to catch a secret glimpse of him whilst standing not so secretly in front of everyone! I decided to get on the adjoining bus I would take to go home and wait for his call. Today was going to be the day I would ask him if he liked Megan. Today was going to be the day that I possibly lose out on my secret phone call guy. For the fact I was upset at the thought of him saying yes he did like Megan, proved that I was in deeper then I thought. I too had feelings for The Boy. Did this mean I was a cheater? I waited anxiously for the time to speed by and reach nine o’clock so I could get it over and done with as this time had now become our regular talking slot. I practised how I was going to ask him and tell him that she fancied him. After a few attempts I decided to go with, ‘you know my friend Megan yeah well she likes you init just thought I’d tell you so like if you liked her back then I could sort it out’. Yes that is how I sounded back then! I figured that was the most effective approach, get straight to the point, I don’t care, please say you don’t like her back way of putting it! How could I get hurt if I sound like I don’t care? You know that same misconception we all stick to even now whilst being grown ups! The one we’ve proved time and time again is in fact bullshit but it’s like a security blanket, if we don’t have that ‘I don’t care’ attitude then we’ll just get hurt! And who wants to admit that!? Who wants to be the person to stand up and say to the masses ‘I have been hurt and it made me sad’ Nobody. It was nearing ten o’clock and he still hadn’t called, I was losing my courage and getting tired. I couldn’t call him because he forever called me from his mother’s phone and would withhold the number, so as luck would have it, I couldn’t actually contact him first. As I started to fall asleep, I heard the phone ring. Unfortunately I had forgotten everything I had planned to say and when I did finally string some words together they came out like word vomit, everything I had needed to say was said, all just very fast and in completely the wrong context! Major fail!
“Mmmhm” I mumbled
“Hello, Rachel?”
“Uh huh I’m here, you ok?”
I was in a tired daze, so I had to search for the words I was actually speaking.
“What you doing?” He asked
“My friend likes you do you like her? She likes you she told me so now I'm telling you coz she likes you”
“Wow ok. What’s your friend’s name?” He inquired.
“Oh erm Megan, yeah its Megan she’s liked you for a while, so I said I’d talk to you for her and I’m in bed, you said what am I doing I didn’t answer so I’m answering now, I’m in bed not asleep but in bed”
“Erm ok that was kind of fast” He chuckled.
I however was holding my head in sheer embarrassment. What the hell did I just say to him!? Then I felt the funny feeling in my stomach, of disappointment and a bit of sadness. Still maintaining a smile, I continued listening to him talk on the phone. He was asking her name, and in my head that translated to, he was interested. I couldn’t complain, my plan was working exactly how it should have, I didn’t think about what I was going to feel if he actually did say he liked her. My over confidence had expected him to dismiss it and that way I couldn’t be seen as the bad guy. I wasn’t happy with him enquiring into her name. Disheartened but quickly forced into thinking about my boyfriend I wanted to round up the conversation so I could at least mourn The Boy alone, secretly so that nobody would find out about my hidden feelings. We had been silent on the phone for almost ten minutes and then he said it,
“But, I like you though”
I was speechless, however much I may have wanted to hear those words and however much it had made me smile. I knew deep down it was going to mess everything up. I hadn’t even told The Boy I had a boyfriend, let alone what that piece of info was going to do to Megan. A situation isn’t a situation until things get said and you can’t pretend anymore! Things had been said! There was just silence through the phone, what the hell was I meant to say back to that?! Anything else said would just complicate things further, so I stopped smiling, came back to reality and knew it was time to end the conversation. However the butterflies continued in my stomach so I merely replied,
“Well, my friend likes you so it would be out of order for me to like you really; I think we can be good friends though, like best friends?”
I asked it in that way where you elevate your voice at the end of the sentence so the other person knows it's a question rather then a statement.
"Yeah best friend’s is cool but I still don't like your friend!"
He sounded serious but I laughed it off and said ok. I figured that was his way of telling me to never talk about Megan again! My lips were sealed, no more Megan! R.I.P Megan! Somewhat delighted over the revelation that The Boy didn’t fancy Megan and fancied me, completely forgetting about my then boyfriend, I sent The Boy a text message when we eventually hung up.
I like you to! Xx
I got an immediate response;
Ok, but this is my mum’s phone! X
How embarrassing!
Imagine that, you store a number that had clearly been shown to you one day by accident, you lose your senses for a minute to be cute and then you get brought right back down to reality. Shame!
I wasn’t going to waste anymore of our time. I needed to get his number. I had to plan how I was going to approach him. His towering frame made me nervous. He was quite slim but not skinny, sort of reminded me of a refrigerator, rectangular and long. He was much taller then me. The thought of looking up at him and squeaking out 'Can I have your number please?' seemed like an impossible feat. He was one of the tallest people I knew at that time. He was about six foot, caramel in complexion with thick lips and a nose that was not too big but not too small for the size of his head. His head was rather large but every thing about him was in proportion, he didn’t exactly look like The Elephant Man! His eyes were dark brown, almost black which enabled you to remember his stare. Or, he stared at me so much there was no way I was ever going to forget his stare! I liked his eyes. They made him look as happy as his smile did, his big smile, he had the biggest smile I had ever seen. So I appreciated it just that little bit more. Looking at him, although from afar just made me happy. So I decided to use that happiness to insist on us meeting up and finally be in a close enough proximity to ask for his number. Was I now directly acting upon the inappropriate feelings I had for The Boy? Would this mean that I would now be instigating a little more then before, giving him an indirect sign that I may want it to go further? Again what my boyfriend may have felt, if he knew, just never arose in my mind. I just didn’t care. It never even dawned on me that at any point my boyfriend could find out. A few more evenings passed with The Boys phone call coming through at the usual time and talking until we fell asleep. One evening I had plucked up enough courage to ask him to meet up after school like I had planned to, not alone but with a few friends and he agreed. Our conversation took place on a Friday evening giving me enough time to prepare to see him on the Tuesday…
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