Friend and Feeling (Chapter 6) Pt 1

The more time we spent together the less time I had for others.  Nothing made me want to be with anyone else because everything I possibly required from them he gave me.  If I needed to talk he’d listen, needed to go anywhere he’d tag along and keep me company.  The Boy was my best friend. He never pressured me into doing anything sexual, which for the most part was good because I wasn’t ready.  We still hadn’t even kissed yet! We began to talk a lot more about what was going to happen between us, we both knew we wanted to be with each other as a proper couple but neither of us had the confidence to ask the other one to be their partner.  I was quite stuck in my ways and had always been lead to believe that the male takes charge, so if he wanted to be with you he would ask you to be his girlfriend.  So that’s exactly what I was waiting for.  I wanted to be The Boy’s girlfriend, I wanted to tell the world that he was the one for me, I knew he was, everything about him made me feel carefree, as long as he was around I was never alone.

One night mid week, whilst on the phone, he began a conversation telling me his mum was going out for the evening on the weekend.  I knew exactly where the conversation was heading, although nervous if he was going to ask what I thought he was, which was obviously to come to his house, I knew I wanted him to.  He did.  He eventually asked if I wanted to come over and ‘chill’ so I agreed.  Immediately whilst still on the phone I began to act out scenarios in my head.  I had met up with boys before, in the dark, on a one to one basis but I hadn’t yet with him or anyone that I had an extreme sexual desire towards.  This was new to me.  The thought of going to meet with The Boy, unaware of what could possibly happen scared me deep down but overall it was in a good way so I wasn’t at all worried, just nervous.  What if mid passionate kiss we bashed teeth and I knocked his out? What if he stripped me naked and he didn’t like the amount of pubic hairs I had!? What if, we had the sex and he put it into my bum by accident!? My mind was manifesting all these scenarios except the one normal one that may actually happen.  What if, his mum goes out, I go to his house and we watch television, sit in each others company relaxed but nervous and have our first kiss and everything is cute but fine.  That one, that’s the one I liked best.  We carried on our phone conversation and when we hung up I wrote a smiley face down on a piece of paper then fell asleep with a smile.  He made me so happy.

It was Thursday, the weekend was fast approaching and being somewhat of a perfectionist I wanted to make sure nothing could go wrong, so I practised kissing the mirror to perfect a technique!  Everyone else had told me their usual kissing practice was either to kiss the back of their hand, or pillow, mine was the mirror.  I had convinced myself after I had had my braces taken off that kissing yourself with tongues against a mirror felt like someone was kissing you back, made it feel just that tiny bit less pathetic and embarrassing.  I had kissed other people, so I wasn’t sure why I was putting so much emphasis into making this one the best but my worst nightmare would have been kissing The Boy and him not liking it.  So at most given opportunities I would stand in front of the mirror and act out a romantic scene then lovingly kiss it, then wipe off the dribble and condensation afterwards. Sexy!   The eagerly anticipated day was nearing.  We had arranged to meet on the Saturday so Friday evening I had to decide what I was going to wear.  I wanted to make sure I looked nice.  I couldn’t decide on what to wear initially but raiding my wardrobe thoroughly helped and I picked out a skirt and a polo neck jumper.  It was nearing winter so a jumper was fitting, however a skirt I didn’t exactly think through but what could I do, I wanted to show some skin, it would do he lived near me, maybe I could run there!  Saturday finally came, we were finally going to be alone together, off the streets, in a house, The Boy and I alone.

Throughout the day we spoke as normal.  Being the weekend I met up with Megan and a few other friends during the day, which was the normal routine.  Evening seemed to approach swiftly, or at least I thought it did.  Usually I would stay at Megan’s until it got dark and then walk home but today I was itching to be somewhere else.  I hadn’t told any of my friends where I was going, just made my excuses and left.  I needed ample preparation time.  On arrival back home I slowly but surely, ironed my clothes, showered, did my hair and sat down meticulously moisturising every inch of my skin.  On a normal day I would obviously moisturise but if I missed somewhere it wasn’t a big deal, today however there was no way I was going to let The Boy possibly touch any part of me and feel that my skin was dry.  I put my clothes on and sat on my bed and waited.  What now?  Should I call him, Should I wait for him to call me?  He had said his mum would be leaving about seven thirty and I looked at the time on my mobile and it was coming up to seven thirty.  I wanted to ring him, but I didn’t want to seem eager so I didn’t.  I just waited.  Finally, but what seemed liked forever I received a call from a withheld number, it was him.  He told me his mum had left and I could come round.  The butterflies flitted around in my stomach as I told him I would leave.  He only lived about a ten minute walking distance away from me so I happily began my journey.

The sky was dark, and the air was chilly but I couldn’t feel anything on my bare legs because my whole body was warm with excitement.  I walked along breaking into intermittent smiles as I thought about who I was on my way to see.  I approached the small through road I would need to walk down in order to walk the last few metres to his house and I froze.  What the hell was I doing?!  My brain started racing with new ideas and my heart felt like it was beating at one hundred miles per hour.  He was alone in there, what if he tried to mount me and have sex with me, what was I meant to do if he decided he wanted to get into my knickers?  I couldn’t let what had nearly happened to me before happen to me again, I was in a skirt this time there was no way I could fight someone off.  The Boy was so much bigger then me, so much bigger then the horrible guy who tried it before.  He would most certainly get to see my fanny if he tried hard enough, a skirt was a rooky mistake!  I turned back towards home, I didn’t feel comfortable anymore.  As I was walking back on myself my phone rang, it was a withheld number again, it was The Boy asking if I was still coming.  I looked around, looked up at the night sky, looked down at my feet on the floor.  My legs had suddenly got cold, like every gush of wind was wrapping itself around them.  Hearing his voice made me feel at ease and I started calming down.  He wasn’t going to force himself onto me, how could I even think that, he just wanted to spend time with me and likewise.  It was The Boy, the only guy I felt comfortable with how could I compare him to the silly people of my past, to that one person who was juvenile enough to think trying to undress me aggressively was going to get him what he wanted, I felt rather silly.  I told him I was nearly there and hung up the phone, turned back towards my original destination and literally skipped to his house.  As I neared the end of his road I began looking at all the door numbers, in order to locate his, I found it and opened the gate.  All the lights were off, the house was completely dark.  Instead of knocking, in case I had walked to the wrong door I called him and told him I was outside.  The house being covered in darkness made me nervous.  As I hung up the phone I saw a light come on in a back room and I felt somewhat relieved.  Then the door opened and The Boy stood in the hallway beckoning me to come inside.  This was it, I was finally there and we were finally completely alone.

The Crossover (Chapter 5)

Still frozen I collected my thoughts and managed to answer back.  I knew I was in trouble, my boyfriend never swore at me.  Worried about what would happen next I nervously answered,

“What do you mean?” I whispered

“I mean are you trying to take the piss out of me, cant you hear what I’m saying!?” He continued to bark his words at me.

However much I was nervous and thought I was in the wrong I wasn’t a fan of being spoken to like I was some kind of bitch.  He had managed to get my back up with two brief questions so now I was completely uninterested in what would happen next.  If he knew about The Boy so what, dump me for all I cared, would make it much easier for me.  Stomach still in knots I waited for him to blast me about my undercover friendship.

“Don’t swear at me! What exactly are you talking about!?” I now began to bark my answers back at him.

“You’re my girlfriend right? You’re supposed to be there when I need you and all the rest of it, so what exactly does it mean, how am I supposed to feel when, hold on a minute” He paused

The phone went silent, I was put on hold.  I was so tense I felt like I was about to shit Lego bricks! How can he put me on hold just as he was about to rip into me about our relationship, I already felt like a school girl being disciplined by her teacher and now to make matters worse I had to wait to be punished.  What was in actual fact two minutes felt like twenty.  However tedious it felt waiting for him to return to the phone, it gave me time to prepare, I went back into ‘I don’t care’ mode, when he would return to the phone I was going to sound aloof and uninterested so he could just dump me.  It made sense, why drag it on? I heard a muffled sound and then a hello, he was back.  Before he had a chance to speak I started,

“If you want to break up with me can you hurry up about it I need to go to bed” I demanded.

“Break up with you?!” he said, sounding puzzled “I just wanted to cuss you because we haven’t seen each other for more then five minutes in like four weeks, what’s that about? I miss my girlfriend”

The butterflies in my stomach suddenly turned from little anxious asthma attack butterflies to sad little limp ones.  I couldn’t have felt any sadder then I did at that point.  I was his girlfriend and I certainly wasn’t acting like it.  Too busy entertaining The Boy.  I knew I had neglected my duties as a girlfriend and all the ‘I don’t care’ feeling vanished the moment I heard him say ‘I miss my girlfriend’.  I did care about my boyfriend and I was his girl, how could I have been so thoughtless.  Trouble was I knew that what I was feeling whilst being on the phone to him, in the real world, was classed as ‘feeling sorry for’.  I convinced myself otherwise, which is easy to do when faced with a problem head on.  I told myself I wasn’t pitying him and that I was genuinely sorry.  I was glad he had called me when he did, it made everything easier.  Things could now stay exactly the same.  All I had to do was see him more and we were sorted.  He didn’t know about The Boy and he never mentioned the way I had greeted him when I answered the phone, bonus! I could get to eat all the cake I was clearly trying to.  The phone call ended with me being as nice as I could, throwing in a few I miss you’s here and there and telling him I wanted to go over to his house as soon as possible and everything was sorted.  Unfortunately for me, I was still yet to learn the power of ‘Pussy persuasion’ my vagina hadn’t even realised it was a kitty cat yet!

‘Pussy Persuasion’

This is when a female learns how to use her vagina as a tool and not just a hole or birth canal.  Understanding the power she really has because she possesses that little dark cave of warm goodness.  The tool that can enable you to receive anything you want, even without using it.

However, this technique wasn’t known to me then so I simply used the power of ‘I’m sorry’ and that worked just as well.

Months passed by in the same routine, The Boy and I growing ever more closer, with nothing actually happening between us and my boyfriend and I seeing each other intermittently not doing anything physical but hanging out and enjoying each others company.  Things were not exactly normal but they were good.  The Boy wasn’t going to be eliminated from my life as it was like having a best friend around to lighten the fact that my boyfriend was boring.  I used to see my boyfriend, go places with him and go to his house or him come to mine, then have pleasant conversation with The Boy in the evening or when I was in bed.  I suppose I could’ve spoken to my boyfriend at those times but I didn’t have call waiting and once The Boy and I were on the phone we wouldn’t end the call until one of us fell asleep.  To be honest I never wanted to be off the phone with The Boy so some nights I would miss my boyfriends call on purpose because I knew I could make up for it the next day.  Girlfriend perks!  Sometimes I would know that a friend was going to call me but I wouldn’t care, I was talking to The Boy and that was all that made me happy.  I was under some kind of spell, The Boy had enchanted me.  The more this carried on however was the more I was drifting away from being an actual girlfriend.  My boyfriend became even grumpier and less interactive everyday.  As things got worse in my relationship, it obviously got better in my friendship with The Boy.

My boyfriend became some what obsessive.  I think he began to realise the signs I was unintentionally showing him.  Sometimes he used to sit outside my house, in his car a few doors away from mine and just wait for me without letting me know he was going to be there.  I assume he thought if I was cheating I would bring the guy to my house.  Obviously he would never have seen anyone because in reality The Boy and I were having some kind of mediocre cyber friendship or beginning the foundation of a relationship from a distance as we would never actually meet up.  There was no one else I was interested in.  I would know my boyfriend was outside my house because some evenings or afternoons my mum would come inside and ask me if I was expecting anyone and when I would answer no she would reply ‘well there’s a familiar car outside with your friend in it, been there for a while now!’  I would look outside my window and see him sitting there.  Some days he would sit for a while others just a few minutes.  This became a turn off.  In any other kind of situation it would have been an excuse to go outside, but for me, it was just another reason why The Boy was better for me.

I had a lot of love for my boyfriend as a person but I knew I had never got to the point where I was ever in love with him.  Whatever any sceptics say, there is a major difference in ‘loving’ someone and being ‘in love’ with someone and when anyone tries to question me on that, I simply say… “To be in love with someone isn’t something you can control, loving someone sometimes is inevitable, I love my grandma but I’m certainly not in love with her.”  That may not make sense to the masses but it makes sense to me, and it explains my point, however vague!  I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend intentionally but I knew that my actions and lack of interest were driving him crazy and I knew he felt strongly for me, but the relationship just wasn’t working so it had to end.  Eventually after a few more weeks of what felt like torture I bit the bullet and decided to end the relationship.  He was ok with it, we stayed good friends.  We would still speak on the phone and help each other out whenever it was needed.  Things were better when we were just friends.  The kissing stopped and as we had never had sex there was never any awkwardness between us.  We just chilled as normal friends would.  Things took a turn for the better and we used to speak about everything and everyone, he became the person I knew and had liked in the beginning again just this time without any romantic feelings.  It was nice, and it solved a lot of our issues. So with things being back to normal again and not masked by my secret friendship everything just seemed that bit easier.  We got on better and it made us both happier.  At least I thought it did.

In the time it took to end my relationship The Boy and I still hadn’t met up properly.  One day in our routine of incessant talking we decided we would meet up.  Alone.  It wasn’t like it was going to be weird we had spoken for a good few months now and I wasn’t in a relationship anymore so it was definitely the right time.  We agreed to walk home together one evening and that we did.  It was nothing out of the ordinary, usual talking and laughing and getting on well as I assumed.  The only difference to us being on the phone was that unexpectedly, when we were just about to depart to our opposite destinations, he tried to lean in for a kiss and I moved away.  He looked a bit embarrassed but still asked me if he could have a kiss and I cheekily told him no as I didn’t know where he’d been, then with a devilish smile and a flick of the hair to summarise my pending departure I walked away.  I wasn’t trying to tease him.  I genuinely didn’t want to kiss him at that point as I was unsure of what was happening between us.  I knew I had already fallen ‘in laugh’ with him and seeing him in person just sealed the deal.  When I met up with him that day alone I finally saw him.  He was the one.  Nothing about him I disliked, his smile was contagious and all the warmth I felt whilst talking to him on the phone all those times had now manifested itself into human form.  I never found him overly attractive but I still liked everything about him.  I realised being around him made me feel fantastic.  For the fact he had tried to kiss me I knew it wasn’t going to be long before we got together.  Things weren’t complicated back then, when a girl and boy liked each other they became boyfriend and girlfriend.  We started to meet up regularly and he would walk me home most, if not all the time I needed.  Sometimes I would walk past my house and walk around the block just so we could spend even longer together.  It was perfect.  Things were finally going right, The Boy and I were getting to know each other more every day and my ex and I were finally just good friends.  The phrase too good to be true could possibly creep into ones mind.  I mean what exactly could have gone wrong.  Maybe my boyfriend still really liking me could potentially mess up what was turning out to be the best time of my life.  Maybe the strong feelings I was getting for The Boy would confuse me and I would run away from what could possibly be the greatest guy for me.  I was still young and although I wasn’t a cheater I felt like I had a problem with commitment, I mean I had been faithful to my ex but I wasn’t exactly what you would call committed, even I can be real about that.  The feelings I had for The Boy and the way things were going, meant this could be the chance to be in a relationship where we both felt the same for each other.

Did we feel the same though? I hadn’t thought to ask him.  I assumed because my ex had liked me a lot that anyone would.  How silly of me, what if what I had felt for The Boy I was doing so with the false pretence that he felt the same, what if he didn’t even really like me.  How was I going to show him how I felt?  We hadn’t even made us official yet.  Was there even going to be an us? If I had been able to keep my boyfriend a secret, there must have been untold things I didn’t know about The Boy.  I just assumed we were honest with each other, well honest within reason.  I started to doubt our friendship, but also started to play with another feeling I hadn’t yet come across.  Lust.  Now I was officially single my feelings were conflicted.  When I thought about The Boy I let my mind wander to forbidden territory.  None of the other boys I had let kiss or fondle me I’d really wanted to, I just did it because you did a bit more then kissing, that’s what I thought the title girlfriend involved.  The Boy and I meeting up and him asking me for a kiss had stirred something deep inside.  I knew I wanted to kiss him, but hadn’t, and I also knew I wanted him to touch me in a more passionate way.  Even though I started toying with this forbidden desire, I didn’t want him to just have me.  If we liked each other enough I wanted to take it further.

But did we like each other enough?

Him (Chapter 4) Pt2

Over the weekend, I decided it was going to be wise of me to pretend that I had broken my arm!  There was some material at home which looked like it could have been someone’s sling so I took it upon myself to use it as a prop!  What would be more of a talking point in person then a broken arm? He wasn’t going to know it was a fake and I was clearly somewhat of an attention seeker or very worried that we may have nothing left to talk about.  Tuesday rolled around after a very quick weekend.  I could be a bit of a drama queen so it most definitely hadn’t been enough time to fully prepare for the first proper meeting with him.  I hadn’t actually told Megan yet that The Boy didn’t fancy her, so her tagging along was an issue I hadn’t even toyed with.  I had arranged for myself and a few friends to meet up with The Boy and a few of his friends.  Megan, Tina, Leila and I were going to meet at the park and wait for the guys to come.  It wasn’t so much of a mutual decision, more so I had told the girls we were going to meet boys and they didn’t object! Luckily back in those days it was fun to meet up with boys so I didn’t have to explain who we were going to see just as long as they didn’t have vaginas everything was fine! We approached the park and from a distance we could make out four boy shapes coming towards us.  I knew which one was The Boy immediately as he was by far the tallest figure.  As they got nearer, Megan then realised it was The Boy and began to get excited, maybe that was my opportunity to tell her that she should kerb her excitement because it was me he liked, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel bad about it either.  When push came to shove all I cared about was me and him. I shyly slinked towards him, fake broken arm in its sling and obviously unable to contain my smiles I squeaked out a hello and the rest was history.  We stood talking for ages.  It was getting late and all of us should have been home by now so we started walking in the direction of my house.  Tina lived nearest to me so our journey would end on my road.  Megan and Leila however lived near the park we were in so they departed rather quickly, to the dismay of Megan.  She hadn’t been very happy at this little rendezvous, usually she was quite a perky person but that day she had been very subdued, especially towards me.  I put it to the back of my mind.

Tina, myself, The Boy and three of his friends then made our way down the road towards my house.  We all walked and talked, messing around like you do.  Me a little less then the others, as I was nursing a broken arm! We then became separated.  The Boy and I distanced ourselves from the others.  We let Tina and the others walk in front whilst The Boy and I strolled behind talking.  We loved talking.  I remember so clearly, even now, how happy he made me feel without doing a single thing.  Being with him I was carefree, it really was like talking to a best friend.  He found me funny, I found him hilarious.  It just felt right.  I honestly don’t remember ever feeling as happy as I felt when The Boy and I were in each other’s company.  Anything else important in life didn’t seem so important when he was around, not even my boyfriend.  When we all reached where Tina would finally turn off and continue on her own, we stood and talked for a little longer, it then came to light that one of The Boys friends lived near Tina so in the end he and she walked off to together.  In a jovial mood I continued talking to The Boy and decided I didn’t want to go home.  So the rest of us walked back in the same exact direction we had just come from!  What else could we do? It was early evening, when the sky was turning from bright to dingy grey/dark blue, just as the street lights would start flickering on one by one and none of us wanted to go home. Walking together his friends flirted with me a little, which was of no interest to me.  The only thing I could think about was getting his number.  I wasn’t rude or stuck up, so I joined in with the banter.  As we continued along the street I sparked up a conversation about how I was going to contact him in future.

“So, if at some point I wanted to call you instead of you calling me, how would I go about that?” I asked
“I guess you’d have to call me” he replied somewhat abruptly
“But I don’t have your phone number”
I then looked up at him with a slight smirk on my face to make it perfectly clear that that was the nearest he was going to get to me actually asking him.
“Oh yeah, of course I should’ve probably realised what you were saying really shouldn’t I!?” We both laughed
“Yes! You should”

He proceeded in giving me his phone number and the deed was finally done.  The next hurdle I would have to overcome was actually plucking up the courage to ring him, I hadn’t thought about the fact that being so pushy to get the number meant I would actually have to use it! I couldn’t have the number and not ring him.  Figured I’d cross that bridge when I got to it.  We had nearly got to the end of the long road we had been walking down and his friends began joking around about the fact that I had just taken his number, each asking me if I was going to be talking to them tonight.   Somewhat jarring as I felt like they were trying to issue some kind of status over me to The Boy as I knew them all a long time before I knew him.  I couldn’t let that happen, I didn’t want The Boy to think I was some kind of slut, or the local pass around girl.  That wouldn’t exactly be good, it was going to be bad enough trying to explain at a later date that I had a boyfriend and how in all the evenings we spoke, being everyday, I missed that somewhat piece of vital information.  Lets be serious, we weren’t talking everyday to really stay ‘best friends’.  So I should have let him know that I was taken.  I didn’t feel taken anymore, not by my partner anyway.

“Excuse you, but I’ll be talking to HIM tonight!” I proclaimed

The shocked look on their faces was priceless.  The pleased and content look on his face was brilliant and the overwhelming silence that washed over us all made our smiles seem as though they had been shouting out loud.  Now if that wasn’t a move to firmly secure me into his good books, I don’t know what would’ve been! The bus came and we all got on it, as it could drop us off individually at our destinations from a completely different route to the one we had just walked down.  It had got very dark outside by now and I didn’t much fancy walking home for the second time that afternoon alone so getting the bus seemed the best option.  The other boys got off the bus one by one at their bus stops which left The Boy and I alone, completely alone, for the very first time.  I sat close enough to smell him, he smelt like washed clothes and outdoors.  I liked that smell! And imagine, the first time we were alone we never uttered a word to each other! His bus stop was approaching, he fixed himself up, pressed the bell and we both smiled and said bye.  As I watched him cross the road he signalled to me that he was going to call me, you know with the little finger and thumb extended, the fingers in between bent and putting the whole hand up to your ear, that signal! Imagine that, an opportunity to say anything we wanted to the other and we were both too shy.  Homeward bound, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  Knowing that night was going to be another of counting the minutes down until nine o’clock I decided to do other things in and around my bedroom as not to seem as desperate as I was!  I tidied the bookcase, I picked all of the clothes and books off my bedroom floor I even ironed and prepared my uniform for the next day.  Then my mobile rang.  I was across the other side of the room.  I jumped over the pile of laundry, dived onto my bed, picked up my phone without looking at the screen and answered,

“Hey cutie, miss me already?” I gushed
“Hello!” A stern voice barked back at me

That wasn’t the usual nine o’clock voice.
It was my boyfriend.
It was my boyfriend who I hadn’t seen for about three weeks yet I had just answered the phone asking a question that most definitely didn’t apply to him.  My stomach turned.  More at the fact that if I had looked at the phone before answering it I wouldn’t have answered.  Even more at the fact that this meant The Boy may call and hear the engaged tone. I felt like I had answered the phone to a complete stranger.  What was I going to talk to him about? And how was I going to dig myself out of the hole I had just put myself in? Neither of us spoke for at least a minute and I knew I had to make the first attempt at breaking the frosty atmosphere.  I opened my mouth and no words came out.  Could I explain that I was waiting for another boys call?  Could I tell my boyfriend that I had been walking the streets with other boys all late afternoon, early evening and now I was waiting to flirt with my new found ‘like’ interest? I finally managed to choke out a few words,

“You alright yeah?” I tried to make my voice sound as chirpy as I could
“Are you trying to take the fucking piss?” He barked at me

I could feel the little butterflies in my stomach, not like the ones I had felt on every glimpse of The Boy, but the ones where the butterflies feel like they’re having asthma attacks and convulsing in your stomach! The first thing that came to mind was he knew about The Boy and I just sat nervous trying to string together a sentence that could justify my new friend.  So much for the matchmaking Megan plan, that completely erased itself from my mind! I may not have been appreciating my relationship anymore, but I still cared and had respect for my boyfriend, I didn’t want to lie to him.  If he wanted answers about who The Boy was, I was going to give them to him.  I tried to answer back quickly but I couldn’t.  There was just muffled silence.  Did my guilty reaction tell me that what I was doing was wrong? Or was I most upset at the fact that if my boyfriend and I did have the conversation about The Boy I would possibly have to stop talking to him.  Should I break up with him first, would my answer ‘You’re dumped’ be a sufficient enough reply? The answer to his abrupt and angry question was going to be the seal on my future.

What was I meant to say?

Him (Chapter 4) Pt1

It didn't take long to find out who The Boy was.  I did the most obvious thing and eventually asked Bryan who I had been speaking to that evening I got the call.  Being so pre-occupied with speaking to The Boy everyday it took me a while to bother ask around about him.  When I finally found out who he was, I realised that unknowingly I had now got myself into a slight pickle.  My mystery phone call friend was in fact a guy that one of my closest friends had told me about once, who she herself had a crush on. Awkward! So in finding this out, I realised the new avenue I would have to take, which would mean I still get to be the innocent girlfriend I was, and still get to speak to The Boy with no complications.  I was going to match make The Boy and my friend Megan, brilliant! Half the job was already taken care of as she liked him, now it was about finding out if he liked her.  On my part this was a selfish manoeuvre, if I’m honest, a part of me knew he wasn’t going to like my friend but what was the harm in trying, this way I could still speak to him and if my boyfriend found out about our conversations I could merely say I was trying to find Megan a new love interest.  Alls well that ends well! How I was going to put my plan into action however I didn’t quite know but I knew I would eventually think of something.

It became a regular occurrence meeting up with friends in the local area.  It was even better for me to do so because those friends also knew him, so on a rare occasion he would also come to the place we would hang out.  Surprisingly, we wouldn’t speak in public.  I assume it was because we had no real way of explaining how we knew each other well enough to converse as no one had ever verbally introduced us.  I had told none of my friends about my phone call stranger, and I can assume he hadn’t told anyone about me either.  The only person who knew we had ever spoken that once was Bryan.  Weirdly enough, now he was my secret friend who I got to see a few times, I began to remember on previous occasions Megan telling me about him, which then jogged my memory further and I remembered when I used to see him around and wasn’t at all attracted to him.  Now however when I would see him, he would give me butterflies.  He was ‘The Trap’

‘The Trap’

A guy you don’t notice at first glance, you don’t find anything about him very special.  He isn’t ugly to you, neither is he someone your instantly attracted to.  However, once you speak to him, he has that certain something that captures you, which then turns into a whole lot of confusion because you like him when you shouldn’t and you just can’t shake that feeling.

Before the phone calls, I didn’t know who he was and I honestly didn’t care.  I would never have purposely been attracted to someone I knew my friend was, but now, I thought about him all the time, and when I would see him, I thought he was cute.  He had a big smile, one of those you see all of the teeth kind of smiles.  I liked when we caught eyes because we both knew something no one else did, but we would still have to look away from each other coyly.  Unfortunately for me, due to the not so brilliant plan I had concocted, this now had to go on even longer because I had convinced Megan he liked her.  More fool me, I now had to listen to Megan talk about The Boy and wonder what was going to happen between them, or listen to her continuously asking me what he had said about her, whilst knowing deep down I hadn’t even mentioned her name to him.  This continued on for a fair few weeks.  Eventually I knew I would have to tell him about Megan, there was only so long I was going to be able to keep up the facade.  She wasn’t silly she would eventually realise that him not speaking to her, nor even looking at her probably meant that he didn’t really like her.  I had to tell him though, I needed to find out if he liked her and I needed a reason to stop liking him and unfortunately my boyfriend wasn’t enough to do that.  Slowly I could feel myself drawn to The Boy, more so then I was to my boyfriend.  If I had any gossip or news the first person I would want to tell was The Boy.  It was turning into a very complicated situation.  I couldn’t juggle my time evenly between boyfriend, friends, family and The boy so unfortunately the person who became neglected was indeed my boyfriend.

One evening, after driving past The Boy on the bus and watching him leave his school grounds I decided that I wasn’t going to wait to catch a secret glimpse of him whilst standing not so secretly in front of everyone! I decided to get on the adjoining bus I would take to go home and wait for his call.  Today was going to be the day I would ask him if he liked Megan.  Today was going to be the day that I possibly lose out on my secret phone call guy.  For the fact I was upset at the thought of him saying yes he did like Megan, proved that I was in deeper then I thought.  I too had feelings for The Boy.  Did this mean I was a cheater? I waited anxiously for the time to speed by and reach nine o’clock so I could get it over and done with as this time had now become our regular talking slot.  I practised how I was going to ask him and tell him that she fancied him.  After a few attempts I decided to go with, ‘you know my friend Megan yeah well she likes you init just thought I’d tell you so like if you liked her back then I could sort it out’.  Yes that is how I sounded back then! I figured that was the most effective approach, get straight to the point, I don’t care, please say you don’t like her back way of putting it!  How could I get hurt if I sound like I don’t care? You know that same misconception we all stick to even now whilst being grown ups! The one we’ve proved time and time again is in fact bullshit but it’s like a security blanket, if we don’t have that ‘I don’t care’ attitude then we’ll just get hurt! And who wants to admit that!? Who wants to be the person to stand up and say to the masses ‘I have been hurt and it made me sad’ Nobody.  It was nearing ten o’clock and he still hadn’t called, I was losing my courage and getting tired.  I couldn’t call him because he forever called me from his mother’s phone and would withhold the number, so as luck would have it, I couldn’t actually contact him first.  As I started to fall asleep, I heard the phone ring.  Unfortunately I had forgotten everything I had planned to say and when I did finally string some words together they came out like word vomit, everything I had needed to say was said, all just very fast and in completely the wrong context! Major fail!

“Mmmhm” I mumbled
“Hello, Rachel?”
“Uh huh I’m here, you ok?”
I was in a tired daze, so I had to search for the words I was actually speaking.
“What you doing?” He asked
“My friend likes you do you like her? She likes you she told me so now I'm telling you coz she likes you”
“Wow ok.  What’s your friend’s name?” He inquired.
“Oh erm Megan, yeah its Megan she’s liked you for a while, so I said I’d talk to you for her and I’m in bed, you said what am I doing I didn’t answer so I’m answering now, I’m in bed not asleep but in bed”
“Erm ok that was kind of fast” He chuckled.

I however was holding my head in sheer embarrassment.  What the hell did I just say to him!? Then I felt the funny feeling in my stomach, of disappointment and a bit of sadness.  Still maintaining a smile, I continued listening to him talk on the phone.  He was asking her name, and in my head that translated to, he was interested.  I couldn’t complain, my plan was working exactly how it should have, I didn’t think about what I was going to feel if he actually did say he liked her.  My over confidence had expected him to dismiss it and that way I couldn’t be seen as the bad guy.  I wasn’t happy with him enquiring into her name.  Disheartened but quickly forced into thinking about my boyfriend I wanted to round up the conversation so I could at least mourn The Boy alone, secretly so that nobody would find out about my hidden feelings.  We had been silent on the phone for almost ten minutes and then he said it,

“But, I like you though”

I was speechless, however much I may have wanted to hear those words and however much it had made me smile.  I knew deep down it was going to mess everything up.  I hadn’t even told The Boy I had a boyfriend, let alone what that piece of info was going to do to Megan.  A situation isn’t a situation until things get said and you can’t pretend anymore! Things had been said! There was just silence through the phone, what the hell was I meant to say back to that?! Anything else said would just complicate things further, so I stopped smiling, came back to reality and knew it was time to end the conversation.  However the butterflies continued in my stomach so I merely replied,

“Well, my friend likes you so it would be out of order for me to like you really; I think we can be good friends though, like best friends?”

I asked it in that way where you elevate your voice at the end of the sentence so the other person knows it's a question rather then a statement.

"Yeah best friend’s is cool but I still don't like your friend!"

He sounded serious but I laughed it off and said ok. I figured that was his way of telling me to never talk about Megan again!  My lips were sealed, no more Megan! R.I.P Megan! Somewhat delighted over the revelation that The Boy didn’t fancy Megan and fancied me, completely forgetting about my then boyfriend, I sent The Boy a text message when we eventually hung up.
I like you to! Xx
I got an immediate response;
Ok, but this is my mum’s phone! X
How embarrassing!
Imagine that, you store a number that had clearly been shown to you one day by accident, you lose your senses for a minute to be cute and then you get brought right back down to reality.  Shame!

I wasn’t going to waste anymore of our time. I needed to get his number.  I had to plan how I was going to approach him.  His towering frame made me nervous.  He was quite slim but not skinny, sort of reminded me of a refrigerator, rectangular and long.  He was much taller then me.  The thought of looking up at him and squeaking out 'Can I have your number please?' seemed like an impossible feat.  He was one of the tallest people I knew at that time.  He was about six foot, caramel in complexion with thick lips and a nose that was not too big but not too small for the size of his head.  His head was rather large but every thing about him was in proportion, he didn’t exactly look like The Elephant Man!  His eyes were dark brown, almost black which enabled you to remember his stare.  Or, he stared at me so much there was no way I was ever going to forget his stare! I liked his eyes.  They made him look as happy as his smile did, his big smile, he had the biggest smile I had ever seen.  So I appreciated it just that little bit more.  Looking at him, although from afar just made me happy.  So I decided to use that happiness to insist on us meeting up and finally be in a close enough proximity to ask for his number.  Was I now directly acting upon the inappropriate feelings I had for The Boy?  Would this mean that I would now be instigating a little more then before, giving him an indirect sign that I may want it to go further?  Again what my boyfriend may have felt, if he knew, just never arose in my mind.  I just didn’t care.  It never even dawned on me that at any point my boyfriend could find out.  A few more evenings passed with The Boys phone call coming through at the usual time and talking until we fell asleep.  One evening I had plucked up enough courage to ask him to meet up after school like I had planned to, not alone but with a few friends and he agreed.  Our conversation took place on a Friday evening giving me enough time to prepare to see him on the Tuesday…

Here's Where The Problem Started (Chapter 3)

‘The Guy Who Makes You Laugh’

He can be highly unattractive, could be the biggest arsehole in the world with nothing going for him and a dodgy snaggle tooth, but the day he makes you laugh continuously, suddenly his looks no longer matter, his personality isn’t that important and you’re suddenly head over heels in ‘laugh’

I was in the bath, it was about nine o’clock in the evening, and I had my mobile phone a Nokia Face-off, being one of THE most fashionable phones you could have at the time, leaning on the corner of the bath as not to fall into the water.  I don’t actually know why I brought the phone into the bathroom with me at all, I never received many phone calls back then and it never had Apps or usable features to entertain me whilst bathing!  So it was merely in the hope that someone, anyone would ring me, and God forbid I missed that call! If I had left my phone on my bed like any other semi normal person would have done, I probably would have never spoken to him.  Laying in the bath, bored, I heard my phone ring.  Hands wet, towel had fallen on the floor so there was no hope in drying them properly, being so excited I forgot I was surrounded by water, thought I had jeans on and tried to wipe my hands down my legs in order to dry them, clearly never worked! How stupid of me.  I looked at the screen and it was a withheld number.  Even more intriguing, there was no way in hell I was going to miss this call so wet hands and all I picked it up and answered it.

“Hello?” I spoke cautiously as it was withheld number
“Yo!” they replied.

I recognised the voice instantly it was Bryan a boy that I had known for a few years through other friends.  I spoke to him for about twenty minutes and he told me he was with a friend.  I wasn’t interested, I was shy and I had already nearly wet myself because I didn’t speak to anyone new on my mobile, not to mention I don’t remember giving him my phone number!  We all remember how it was back in those days with the ‘I have a friend’ routine! He was very persistent in telling me that his friend wanted to talk to me.  After a little while I stopped objecting. It was exciting speaking to new people.  So he passed the phone to this anonymous friend and we spoke.  He made me laugh instantly and I really liked his voice.  The fact I had no idea who I was talking to left me intrigued.  Who was this fellow, with his confident yet modest approach?  Why did he want to talk to me?  Where did he know me from and why did I not know who he was?

During our conversation Bryan and The Boy kept playing childish games and immature tricks on me.  They would swap the phone between themselves mid conversation.  The boy would do voices and pretend there were more then just himself and Bryan in the room.  Was this supposed to impress me?  I can’t however pretend that my childish humour didn’t completely lap it up, I was laughing constantly! The Boy proceeded in telling me he had a twin brother and that was who he was giving the phone to during the call, he kept switching between characters.  At first I would be talking to him and then to his twin then possibly back to Bryan then back to The Boy.  It was hilarious and it aided in giving me an idea of his sense of humour.  It was clearly childish, as childish as my own considering I laughed at every joke!  Eventually I decided it was time for me to get out of the bath, I was wrinkled enough and had been speaking to them for so long that I had hardly washed myself and the bath water had gone cold.  Washing the good bits with cold water is not my idea of fun! So I needed to end the call, I told the boys it was nice talking to them and rather abruptly said goodbye and hung up.  I couldn’t give them the chance to lure me into another conversation I would’ve sat talking to them, well him all night.  The smile on my face was never ending.  How fickle of me, I had spoken to someone who I knew nothing about and yet I was happy about it.  That was new for me.  I like to analyse things and people, I’m somewhat shallow, if a guy isn’t attractive then I’m not at all interested but for some reason the intrigue had me completely interested in this stranger.  I wanted to know more about him, but how?  I didn’t even know his real name I just had to refer to him as The Boy in my mind because they had told me lies and fake names.

The Boy…who knew then what one phone call would lead to

Around an hour passed by and I was sitting in the living room with my dad and my mum still thinking about him, when unexpectedly my phone started to ring again.  I was baffled! Another phone call, for me!? Who would be calling me at ten o’clock in the evening? My friends and I wouldn’t need to speak about anything as we would be meeting up at seven in the morning.  The more the phone rang the more my heart raced at the possibility of it being Bryan and The Boy again.  I sat looking at the screen flashing Withheld Number and listened to the ring tone play to its final ring and at the last second before the call would have been forwarded to voicemail, I found enough courage and answered.  It was him! Something inside me knew my reaction was weird, but the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to miss the call just in case it was him told me that if anything would happen from these calls it was what I wanted.  I asked him almost instantly, after the initial hello and in hearing his voice knowing it was him and not Bryan,

“How come you have my number? I never gave it to you”
He sounded startled but replied,
“Oh err when me and Bryan called earlier it was from my mum’s phone.  The number was in dialled calls and I just called back. Shouldn’t I have called?”
I laughed,
“No it’s fine, I don’t mind speaking to you and I’m not rude enough to just hang up anyway!”

I actually was rude enough to hang up the phone and I think if it had been any one else I might have but I didn’t want to stop speaking to him, he was exciting, new and fresh.  We continued to talk for approximately four hours.  He laughed, I laughed. He was so funny and down to earth, really quite sweet and jolly.  We asked each other a million questions, I felt like I had known him all my life not just a few hours.  I was so comfortable straight away.  I felt like I had fallen but I didn’t want to, it was too complicated.  I liked someone else.  I was in a relationship with someone else.  However much that relationship was subsiding, I wouldn’t cheat and as I was such a prude talking to someone else was like a sin!  I think what really felt like the sin was that I knew I was attracted to the person I was talking to.   Not physically but something was drawing me to him and I didn’t want it to stop.  Conflicting emotions made me question my behaviour.  Was it normal to speak to strange boys who randomly call you whilst having a boyfriend?  Was it normal to be speaking to someone other then your boyfriend at bedtime?  Was it ok that I probably knew my boyfriend would have been trying to call me throughout the duration I was on the phone to The Boy but I put that to the back of my mind? I managed to convince myself it was just a phone call and I had nothing to worry about.  Innocent conversation to pass the time! That’s what it was and I needed to stop over thinking.

When The Boy and I had finished speaking, we hadn’t ran out of conversation but we just thought best to end the conversation as it was now around two o’clock in the morning and we both had to be up early so we mutually decided it best to end the call.  I fell asleep smiling.  I hadn’t laughed until my cheeks hurt for so long and I surely hadn’t laughed until my gums hurt ever!  I couldn’t help it, everything he said was hilarious to me.  This is why I highlight the fact that when someone can make you laugh like that, you forget all normal things and rational behaviour doesn’t exist.  This is why back then, right now, in any situation ‘The Guy Who Makes You Laugh’ is deadly! Especially when your current situation isn’t hitting all the expectations you thought it would.

I thought about him non-stop the next day.  Random thoughts started to enter my mind and I started to feel bad for my boyfriend.  I thought maybe I had done something wrong.  Clearly I felt I had done something I wasn’t completely comfortable with or I wouldn’t have been questioning myself.  But if I’m completely honest, I didn’t actually care!  How could I have done anything wrong, I was just talking and had made a new friend!? However, the immediate question to ask yourself, which I didn’t ask myself then, but do ask myself now is, WOULD I HAVE LIKED TO KNOW MY BOYFRIEND WAS SPEAKING TO A FEMALE FOR HOURS ON THE PHONE, UNTIL BEDTIME AND ENJOYING IT!? No need to point out that this is completely a rhetorical question however most of us will answer it in the same way in our heads and for those who don’t, well your devil spawn! (I joke I joke) but you see where I’m going with this, some things in relationships are touch and go.  You won’t know the answer until you do it and see the reaction of your partner.  This however I did not do! So in all fairness, I believe that when you keep something a secret or don’t feel completely comfortable sharing that thing with your partner, it’s the unconscious way of telling yourself that you’ve done something wrong or at least something to be frowned upon!  Unfortunately for my boyfriend but very fortunate for me, The Boy and I spoke every night on the phone from that day forward.  We would speak about everything.  It was like having an anonymous new best friend.

But what did I really know about him? What did he look like and who was he?

He Was Around First (Chapter 2)

How do you talk about the first person you remember fancying? However conceited it sounds I was used to being approached and having the pick of the litter!  No guy really kept my attention for longer then a week because they just didn’t have that je ne sais quoi! He, however, had something I hadn’t seen before.  I was instantly attracted to this stranger.  I would stare at him until we caught eyes and then I’d have to look away swiftly, but then look back at him because for some reason I was drawn to him.  He was everything I thought I wasn’t attracted to but for some reason he had me instantly mesmerised.  His medium slim build and dark mysterious eyes intrigued me.  At first I couldn’t understand why he never seemed interested in me.  I was shy so it was highly unlikely that I was going to approach him at any time.  It sounds funny but because I found him handsome rather then cute I knew immediately he was older then me.  I had never spoken to him but his posture and the way he would seem so aloof made him seem somewhat suave, and the way he dressed gave him a style which none of the other boys I knew had.  What surprised me most was the fact I was attracted to him at all, he was dark skinned and that wasn’t my type.  Far from if I’m honest!  I had always been attracted to Caucasian guys or those of a lighter variation and the contrast from him and a Caucasian guy was vast! I guess that convinced me that the attraction was real.  I couldn’t stop what I was feeling.  If it was meant to happen it would happen.  He had unblemished smooth skin and a fresh haircut every time I saw him.  Sometimes I would stare at him just to see if I could find any flaws.  Never did! He put every other boy I knew to shame. I did however want him to like me back which now meant this had turned into a challenge.  I wasn’t one for not getting what I wanted but I also wasn’t one who came across desperate so I figured I’d play the waiting game.  Only time would tell if he liked me back and I had a lot of time on my hands between going to school and going home!  Thinking about it now he was the first significant guy to speak of from my past

He finally spoke to me after a long time of me eyeing him up and him pretending not to look back.  My friends and I used to go home lots of different ways from school, depending on which boy was on the scene for any of us at that time.  This particular journey we took home would require walking through a field, across a motorway nearly to our death, or under an underpass depending on how daring our mood.  This way home was due to me wanting to catch a glimpse of my new found interest.  Funnily enough, for someone who didn’t attend my school or wasn’t even in the same year as me, he would always be at this particular bus stop with his friends, everyday, precisely when we would be walking past.  Coincidence, I think not!  None of the boys that would be there attended our school, they finished earlier then we did and he lived near his school, which meant he would walk past home to be near or around the bus stop we would use to go home so I knew that he was going out of his way to see someone.  I could only hope it was me.  As far as I was concerned I knew he fancied me too and no one could tell me any different!

The haphazard meeting at bus stops and not talking continued on for a few weeks but he eventually spoke to me.  I remember he told me he liked me, I don’t much remember his approach, in those days I’m unsure if boys even had an approach, there was no way he could throw me to the floor and feel me up like the other boys my age used to! I think in the end we just both got sick of the staring.  We started meeting up on a one to one basis.  We’d meet up after school and on the weekend and walk around the local area, which was local to us both as we lived in the same neighbourhood.  We would sometimes walk to his house, and sit in parks talking.  I remember the first time he walked me home from school.  We walked and talked and when we finally reached outside my house it was like neither of us wanted to say goodbye.  I never invited him inside so we stood outside and continued to talk.  As we spoke I felt tiny raindrops falling onto my forehead.  I had no umbrella so I ran the risk of becoming very wet and looking like a wet dog! But I didn’t want to leave him.  I wanted him to kiss me but he never did. It started to rain harder so we decided we should both call it an evening, he left and I can assume he got very wet on his walk back home!  We liked each other but pneumonia isn’t sexy!  A few more weeks of getting to know each other passed and he asked me to be his girlfriend and of course I said yes.  Back then it was so easy, there was no in between for me I was either a girlfriend or I was a friend.  Little did I know that after this relationship, things were going to stop being so black and white and suddenly life was going to start being an irritating colour of grey. 

We were now a proper couple and we did everything together.  We got along really well and had a lot in common.  He was a lovely person, sweet, caring and good looking.  What more could I have asked for.  He had a lot of things going for him.  He was intelligent and very athletic. I loved his body!  If I saw him topless it would make me nervous because I could assume he wasn’t a virgin like I was and he had the kind of body I had only seen in magazines!  His abs were to die for, and that was the one thing I loved about a guy then, the six pack! Time with him was really nice.  I met his parents, they were lovely.  His whole family were great they made me feel so at ease and welcomed, which was all new to me.  I hadn’t been the girlfriend you introduce to family.  I felt so grown up! I met his mum and she was wonderful.  She was always so nice to me.  She spoke to me like she had known me all my life.  After only seeing me twice she wanted to arrange for us to go and watch him play sports one day.  It was really refreshing to be doing something I hadn’t experienced before.  Of course I had met mothers and fathers but never as a girlfriend, always as the friend from school.  I had never met anyone’s mother who was as welcoming as his.  Thinking back to my previous, somewhat of a near rapist ‘boyfriend’s mother, she didn’t really care about my existence, hence why I would mostly meet him at a friends house or not at all.  My new boyfriends mother made me feel comfortable instantly.  I think what made it even nicer was the pride she had in her eyes and huge smile when she spoke about him.  How could I not fall for him? When I met his dad the reaction towards me was the same, he was nice, friendly and inviting, really warm and funny.  Other members of his family likewise, I wanted to be a part of their family, it seemed so ‘My wife and kids!’

We used to go cinema a lot, it was all we ever did really! If we weren’t at each others houses or in each others company at a park we were on the bus going to the cinema.  I suppose the frustration of a young horny guy not having sex with his girlfriend whilst they were alone together took its toll on him but he was too much of a young gentleman to say anything or make it seem like it was a problem.  One of the many times we attended the cinema I saw a sign warning pedestrians about polluted wasteland.  I pointed it out to him because I thought it was funny.  He looked at it and didn’t find it funny, our sense of humours were clearly different.  That was the first and only negative thing I experienced in our relationship.  I had a silly sense of humour and he just didn’t seem to have one at all.  This immediately made us distant and our future seem bleak.  He turned away from the sign so I shouted out to him, “NO WAIT don’t move, it’s polluted right there!” He looked startled and confused.  “What?” he whispered somewhat unimpressed, so I walked towards him pretending I was dodging polluted ground and life threatening things on the floor and grabbed his face with both hands either side and kissed him.  “Saved your life!” then smiled shyly at him.  His face was very surprised.  From the very beginning of any relationship I make it clear to a guy that I do not kiss first; I will never initiate a kiss.  I can assume that has a lot to do with my fear of rejection as even now at twenty seven I find it hard to do.  That day however I clearly changed my mind and kissing him first seemed like the right thing to do, possibly as some kind of distraction as I felt childish because he never found the sign as funny as I did.  Possibly as a way to convince myself I was still interested, or at least convince him I was.

I was used to being with my friends and having childish, not real relationships and it became apparent that we both had different ideas of what this relationship was and where it was going.  I was only about sixteen at the time and he used to talk to me about really intense things like babies, marriage and living together! Slowly I started to become a bit apprehensive.  At the time I didn’t think about what those things would involve but I knew it would be intense and I also knew that the thought of such responsibilities scared me.  I was still a virgin, we didn’t even have sex yet and he expected me to want all those things?  Slowly things began to change between us.  I wanted to gallivant with my friend’s he wanted to sit indoors all the time.  I wanted to go to parties, he wanted to stay at home and relax together.  What did he really expect from me?  I tried but never quite adjusted.  He treated me really well, I cannot complain about anything really.  I used to collect bears and he would get me different bears for no reason and leave them on my front doorstep to surprise me.  Whatever I wanted I got even though I never wanted or asked for anything, except maybe Burger King! Only thing I’d maybe want him to do is chill out and relax a little bit, not to take life so seriously but he was just so uptight all the time.  Maybe now I can appreciate he was just that little bit more mature then I was but at the age we were, it felt like uptight! We became weird.  I noticed he didn’t make me laugh enough and eventually the laughter stopped altogether.  I would be around him and my face would be set like I’d just been told I couldn’t go to a friend’s house by my mother!  Even my mum noticed it. “How come you don’t seem very happy lately” she’d ask anytime I was with her after I would get off the phone to him.  Would just tell her to leave me alone or stop asking me silly questions and then be moody for the rest of the day, partly because of him and partly because of myself but I would blame my mum, it was easier.  I never understood why we got like that, there was nothing about him I didn’t like so what was wrong?  Eventually I stopped caring.  I wasn’t going to be moody all the time because I was dating a young black Scrooge! My humour is somewhat childish, I laugh at farts and people falling over, swear words and fights.  He never found those things funny.  It puzzles me how people can be so different but made of all the same things, bar women having a vagina and men having a penis! I guess it’ll be something I will always wonder.  Why did we never work out, when the foundation was perfect?

Maybe I was distracted.  If I’m honest I wasn’t distracted at all, at the time, he was all I was interested in, but then when I got bored, I think my mind shut off and I did start losing interest rather rapidly.  I didn’t want to be with him anymore but I couldn’t bring myself to end it because nothing was obviously wrong, I knew he liked me and I felt bad.  How could I dump someone and say the excuse was because you didn’t make me laugh, its not like he was a comedian, it wasn’t his job!  I don’t like when people dislike me so I would rather stay unhappy at the risk of making someone else feel sad.  Come to think of it that is probably the silliest thing I have ever heard and the fact it’s something I apply to my life makes me stupid! But in saying that it just makes me a nice person, nice people may finish last, but at least they finish! However when my mind has shut off to the possibility of us going any further, my thoughts begin to wander.  In this instance they wandered unknowingly right into someone else’s path.

If you like to laugh and someone doesn’t make you laugh do you instinctively search for someone who does? Like if the sex is shit do you try to find someone who can give it to you good?  Maybe you can’t laugh with two guys at the same time…

From ABC to BOY (Chapter 1)

I don’t know whether to tell you about things as of now or start from back when I was a teenager, which now when I think about it logically was a LONG time ago! Before I put pen to paper, well finger to keyboard being sixteen only seemed like last week. But in reality is in fact eleven years ago! So, I’ll tell you the interesting bits mixed in with the boring bits which makes the brilliant cocktail I call LIFE!

I suppose the whole reason I’m writing this is to deal with the one major thing that’s fucked up my mental state for the last I don’t know eight to ten years! No need to ask what that is as we all know there’s only one of a few things that can make u lose your mental state.  Apart from actual mental illness that is!

1. For us females MEN and for you males WOMEN (which still has men in it so to be honest I think they are just life’s overall problem! I joke I joke!)

2. Lending a friend or family member money. That can pull on your mental health strings a bit.  Suddenly find that they’re actually completely unreliable and sneaky in regards to giving you your money back, funny those qualities never show themselves before!

3. A friend getting into sexual relations with a family member or another close friend.  Eight out of ten times this in itself is a recipe for disaster!

My mental illness stems from point number 1!

So from the beginning we go!

In my younger days, around the time of being in secondary school I got a substantial amount of attention from a few different boys.  Not just boys from my school who would get excited if you’re knee high sock fell down! But that kind of attention where they would be trying to get to know you, I assume puberty had started to kick in and now girls were the thing to do, literally! Boys were actually starting to speak to me whilst walking home or trying to get my attention on the bus, boys from different schools were interested too!  What a confidence boost.  I’m glad I got male attention when I was younger.  It prepares you for the future.  All the ugly girls in school who the boys never really paid any attention to, left school and started giving their vaginas away like a prize in a raffle that everyone had the winning ticket to! Bad times!

Before the attention started I used to feel ugly.  I had to wear big clunky shoes to school and unflattering tailored boy’s trousers.  Would always have my hair in some form of silly plaited variation because my mum still used to do it for me and obviously hadn’t realised it wasn’t the 80’s anymore and I was no longer in primary school!  I was shy but smart so felt like a nerd.  Not your classic nerd but near enough.  If I didn’t have the circle of friends I had I don’t know what I would have done because I wouldn’t speak to anyone new.  Attention was all foreign territory for me, the most I was used to, was boys from my school looking at me in Physical Education because I used to wear a really short tennis skirt on purpose.  That was the beauty of having an older sister who had to have the same uniform as you four years prior, gave me the heads up on school clothes that no one else would have, albeit hand me downs!  The best way the boys from my school would show their interest in you was by pushing you over to grope you whilst helpless and screaming on the floor.  Funny thing about it was they would never actually grope any of the good bits.  You would just have loads of pokes and fingers digging your arms and legs.  I assume the rugby scrum of about 6-7 boys all on top of one girl whilst she screamed was somewhat of a sex education lesson the teachers were never going to give you!

What did I know about boys?

I was very much a family orientated kind of girl.  I didn’t go to the local youth centres or after school clubs.  I liked to be with my cousins and other family members.  I started going out places with my friends, hanging around with them properly not just staying at home.  When I say ‘going places’ the most we would venture to was a local park or we would go and play out with other people, mostly walk around the local area and see other kids walking around the local area. We walked a lot! Walking was cool! My style changed from tomboyish to experimental young girl.  I got creative with my hair and started using hair gel, to stick most of my hair to my face like the other girls did, doing random hairstyles that only girls and boys of my age group and era appreciated at that time!  I would wake up early every morning to do my hair so I didn’t have the same style everyday.  Back then I thought it looked so good, damn the boys who used to fancy me and make me feel like my shit never stank, because when I look back at any picture evidence of those hairstyles I want to vomit! I find it amazing thinking back, how boys can make your persona change.  Before boys I liked to do school work, did all my homework on time and enjoyed being at school.  Then when the male attention rolled in, academic driven me rolled out.  Not completely, but enough to stop the homework being handed in on time and the carefully designed presentations I used to give in became non-existent.  I didn’t  miss the old me, I still don’t because I was obviously growing up and everything you do as a child and later in life as an adult shapes you into the person you are before you die.  However, if I had realised back then what I know about guys now, I wouldn’t have placed so much life emphasis on them at that particular time and would have kept my school work and studies my main priority.

My first ‘boyfriend’ to speak of, who wasn’t really a proper boyfriend at all, he was a guy from another school when I was about fifteen.  The ‘relationship’ was childish but thinking about it now it wouldn’t have been anything other then childish, I was a child and I was as frigid as a board!  I would never go and meet him alone I would always bring my friends along so you can imagine I wouldn’t let him feel me up, which he wouldn’t be amused by as he was older then me and wasn’t a virgin like I was.  I was really self conscious of my breasts. They were small and I was surrounded by friends who were at least a C cup and over, I was just coming out of training bras!  Can u imagine my horror if he had taken off my bra and seen the A cup label inside, I would’ve died on the spot.  Me and my small breasts DEAD! I’m happy to say that at the age I am now I am finally comfortable with my breasts.  Whoever doesn’t like to look at my mosquito bites really doesn’t have to and with the aid of socks and chicken fillets I have the breasts I want! So I don’t give a hot shit what anyone else thinks about them, they’re mine and I figure if a bitch has something to say in regards to hers being bigger then mine, I’ll put them in her boyfriends mouth! (Rant over)

One weekend I went to this then ‘boyfriends’ house, he had asked me to stay over that night so I agreed.  I knew he probably wanted to have sex with me but as far as I was concerned he knew I didn’t want to, I had told him before on numerous occasions that I didn’t want to, I had never let him put anything anywhere near me so why would he try!?  I thought he cared, I thought he listened. I still went as he was my boyfriend after all and I didn’t want to look like a child to him as he was older then me and if I’m honest I ran out of any feasible excuse so I had to go.  His mum had gone away for the weekend so we relaxed a lot, watched T.V whilst snuggled up on the sofa. It was a nice weekend, he cooked dinner but I refused to eat anything. I was young and at that time as a teen I wouldn’t eat in front of boys, No wonder I was so skinny!  One of the nights it got exceedingly late and I was letting him have a quick over the clothes fondle.  We were kissing but I wouldn’t let him go under my shirt, so he tried to undo my trousers but I wouldn’t let him.  I had let him finger me before at my friends house but I didn’t like it, he was too vocal, would talk to me about if I liked it and would tell me to ‘just relax’.  Not being at all funny, but why would I enjoy you trying to stick your hand up my vagina?!  It’s a common misconception that we as females enjoy this, some of us do.  Most of us don’t! So at fifteen the thought of someone putting their fingers into the depths of my lady bits, rooting around as if to find gold was not appealing to me at all. And I’m still yet to know what physical pleasure fingering a girl has on a man? If your fingers were where the sensation was you’d suck them a lot rather then having a wank! I was still coming to terms with having to wear thongs and have them invade my arse all day, a finger in my vagina, way too much!

He got very annoyed. I remember being dragged down off the sofa by my legs onto the floor with a thud! All I remember after that was him dragging me around his wooden floor by my trousers.  I couldn’t believe it, was this real? Was he actually doing this?  It was like the devil had taken over his whole body.  I could see the anger in his face and the determination in his eyes and could feel the force of how hungry he was to get my trousers off, I was really scared and it was completely silent.  There was no noise, he didn’t say anything to me, he didn’t shout and I couldn’t scream. Just Silence. He dragged me across the floor and I held onto my jeans with every last bit of strength I could muster.  He was not getting into my knickers.  I was not getting raped today or any other.  He managed to get my trousers down to my upper thigh whilst I was still kicking and struggling.  I can remember how I kept sliding along the wooden floor. It was like being on an ice rink with no ice skates.  I slid from one side of the floor to the other bouncing off the sofas.  I remember those sofas, leather, cream coloured and cold.  I remember holding on to the top of my black jeans so tightly it started to hurt the tips of my fingers, but I refused to let go.  My thumbs holding onto the inside of my knickers and all my fingers pressed tightly into the thick jean material.  My fingers, my grasp were literally the only thing that stopped the worst happening.  When I finally managed to scream ‘get OFF!’ it was like he immediately snapped back to reality.  He just knelt by my feet and looked at me somewhat shocked, somewhat gormless but it wasn’t a feeling of shame or embarrassment, more of a feeling of damn I didn’t succeed.  I fixed myself up in silence and left.  I always wondered what would have happened if I wasn’t as strong as I was.  If I had let go of my trousers would I have been raped?  If I had let go of my trousers would he have actually done that to me?  Glad I never found out.

That day was never mentioned between either of us again.  Vanished, it was like it had never happened.  We never officially had the ‘you’re dumped’ conversation but I just stopped being his girlfriend.  I stopped answering his phone calls and replying to his texts so I figure he got the message.  We’ve always spoken since. I never held it against him.  Not completely sure why, I think I was possibly too scared to realise the intensity of what could have actually happened to me, or possibly I just tried to forget. I think the incident was the unspoken reason we broke up.  I think he scared me right out of like for him.  But…I can admit to part of it being because I had seen someone else who tickled my fancy.

I was now comfortable with the fact that I was turning into a young lady rather then a child.  I was now someone who got the guy and I could have relationships.  Even though this boyfriend was nothing serious I knew what to expect now.  The male species wanted to get physical.  I had the option to give them what they wanted or keep it to myself. Boys wanted to fuck! Other girls of fifteen had sex, but I knew I didn’t want to until I met Mr. Right and when I knew I was having a proper relationship.  When I would have one I didn’t know but the search had now begun.